OSK COMMUNITY

Hey @Everyone - Today, I ran a little experiment with my son, Otto. And the results? Nothing short of magic.

But first—some context.

What is Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)?

PDA is a profile on the autism spectrum where individuals experience an intense need to resist everyday demands and expectations. These aren’t just “stubborn” behaviors. The resistance often comes from a deep-rooted anxiety or need for control—especially when things feel uncertain.

Here are a few hallmarks of PDA:

• Plans – Even the idea of a plan can spike anxiety. The closer we get to that plan becoming reality, the more overwhelming it can feel. But on the flip side, completely spontaneous plans can also cause stress, because uncertainty is just as hard to tolerate.

• Uncertainty – Research from Newcastle University found that intolerance of uncertainty is a major stressor for people with PDA. It’s not just “not knowing”—it’s a deep neurological discomfort with being out of control.

• Even the fun stuff – It’s not only boring or non-preferred tasks that get avoided. Even things your child wants to do—like playing with friends or going to the beach—can trigger avoidance because of internal pressure or the unpredictable nature of social settings.
  

I started noticing these behaviors in Otto. He wanted to join group activities, but the second we were “expected” to do something, even fun things, he’d push back. And if he felt spotlighted—like when everyone greeted us with warm hellos or called his name—he’d shut down. I could see his little nervous system trying to process too much at once.

So today, we tried something new.

The Experiment

Our regular Speech Therapist was closed today, so I made a last-minute decision to attend Little Rippers. Before heading out, I sent a message in the group chat that said:

Was it awkward? A little. Was it worth it? Completely.

The parents, bless them, followed my lead. No one waved us down. No one said our names. No one overwhelmed Otto with smiles or hugs—even though I know they wanted to. And what happened next blew me away.

The Magic That Followed

Without the pressure of expectation, Otto entered the group. On his own terms, in his own time. He swam in the ocean with the other kids. He caught crabs. He visited the snack table. He colored with chalk. He played at the playground. He laughed. He explored. He regulated. He belonged.

He didn’t just participate—he thrived. It was one of the first times I saw Otto engage naturally with a group for an extended period of time without needing to withdraw or reset. It felt like we had discovered a key.

Sometimes, what looks like defiance or social avoidance is really just a child trying to protect themselves from overwhelm.

Sometimes, the most supportive thing we can do is less—less greeting, less prompting, less pressure.

From now on, we’re going to try this approach at every gathering. No big introductions. No “Hey Otto!” from across the parking lot. Just gentle, quiet arrivals—and space for him to choose connection, not be pushed into it.

I wanted to share this because if you’re a parent walking a similar path, or a friend who’s ever wondered “why does that kid seem so distant?”—this might offer a little clarity.

Because beneath that quiet resistance is a child who wants to belong… and just needs a little help getting there.